Refuge in Audacity
by wildrook
Summary: Basically a parody of many Critics involved. I take bad movies/games/fanfics/etc and Burn them in the style of a certain fedora-wearing critic.
1. Dude, Where's My Car

The doors opened to reveal a silver-haired man in a black coat, white shirt, cap, blue jeans and white shoes.

"Hey, and welcome to Refuge in Audacity, where Bad Media gets…well, I'd finish that, but a certain someone would kill me," he said. "My name's Rook, and if anything, it's the first time I've tried to review something. However, I've decided to start small and, given the title name, go in the method of ridiculous media that disguises itself."

He then sighed.

"In other words, go through a guilty pleasure of mine and basically rant the HECK out of the inconsistencies and stuff."

After that, he then brought out a DVD Remote.

"As you can see, I'm going to rant the heck out of a movie. And not just any movie, but what seems like a Big-Lipped Alligator Moment…" **(BIG-LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT!) **"…but…you'll see later. The movie in question…is 'Dude, Where's my Car?' And believe me, that's the name of the title."

Sure enough, the movie is played.

"This stars Ashton Kutcher of 'That 70's Show' fame and Sean William Scott from…actually, I don't know that much…and puts their characters from those respective series in a journey that's so stupid that it bears repeating. Why? Because…well, if anything, let the movie start."

_The following story is based on actual events…_

"**LIAR!"** a red-faced merc-with-a-mouth yelled.

"WE'RE NOT EVEN HALFWAY THROUGH YET!!!" Rook yelled. "So, anyways, this is a pretty big acid dream sequence which actually has relevance to the plot. I'm not kidding. The chicks, the Ostriches, the two guys dressed like Arnold Schwarzenegger, the cat-being, the spaceman…EVERYTHING in that dream is relevant to the plot. And as soon as we get to the center of everything, we meet Ashton Kutcher, who is covered with Trivial Pursuit cards, and his heterosexual life partner, Sean William Scott, watching Animal Planet."

Pause to Chester scratching his head.

"I swear, did they switch the names?"

"Anyways, we see them discuss something, and then…Oh geez, who's that guy?"

"_Morning fellas," the man said._

"_Morning, Gene," Jesse and Chester replied._

"How the heck…he literally came out of the closet. How long he's been living there escapes me, but we don't see him for the rest of the plot, making this…a Big-Lipped Alligator Moment…"

"**BIG-LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT!"**

"…and one of the only few in this movie. Trust me."

"Cue the next scene where they enter the room and find…"

"_It's…pudding…" Jesse replied._

"Yeah, this is relevant later as well. You'll see why, but apparently, there was so much pudding that they didn't have room in the fridge so…they put it in the cupboard."

Cue the look of disbelief.

"That's a lot of pudding."

Back to the movie.

"Now, as you can see, they've basically trashed their own home and got a phone call from their girlfriends, who are called 'The Twins.' Apparently, they knew that they're playing Thumb Wrestling with Army Helmets in their Underwear, which means that they've been dating for a LONG time. Before they can deliver their Anniversary Presents, we meet up with a disgruntled Pizza Delivery man…who happens to be their boss."

He then looks up.

"Okay, seriously, there are germs on the ceiling as well…and I swear that guy sounds familiar."

(Dream Sequence…)

"_FOOL, GET BACK TO THE REVIEW!" Mr. T yelled._

(End Dream Sequence…)

Rook shook his head. "If anything, when your daydreams tell you to keep to the task at hand, you HAVE to listen to them."

Back to the movie…

"So after THAT little distracting moment, they then got dressed and set out to get their Anniversary Presents for their girlfriends only to run into that one little snag…"

"_Dude, where's my car?" Jesse asked Chester._

"_Where's your car, dude?" Chester replied._

"Yeah," Rook said. "It's a title drop. And it's only funny when it happens to someone else."

"_HA HA!" Nelson yelled._

"So they walk all the way to their neighborhood guru, Nelson, who speaks in intense Yoda, but if anything, they're more interested in the dog, Jackal. Seriously, I'd be interested as well if the dog can smoke a pipe. And that's saying a lot. After that little episode involving the dog…puppet, apparently…they then managed to go to a Chinese Fast-Food Resturant. And as you can tell, hilarity ensues."

"_And then?" the fast-food speaker replied._

"_NO! NO 'AND THEN!'" Jesse yelled._

"_And then?"_

"_NO 'AND THEN!'"_

"_And then?"_

"_NO 'AND THEN'!"_

"I swear to God," Rook said, "when I said it's a guilty pleasure, THIS is the scene that gets me into giggling fits every time I watch it. She is a GENIUS of taking pride of her work, and as you can tell, Ashton had WRECKED the Drive-Thru Window."

Back to the movie…

"So, after a Noodle Incident involving Chester calling the Dali Lama a…homosexual…they apparently run into Ashton's dream girl, Kristy Swanson."

Rook gave out a deadpan look.

"And I sh*t you not. If you look up the commentary, this is Word of God."

Cue shining moment of Ashton nearby.

"If anything, after teasing the guy and considering Real Life Writes the Plot, the moment is COCKBLOCKED by some muscle-bound punk and his cronies who happens to be her BOYFRIEND…seriously, it's like looking at the guy who tormented his teacher in the Jerry Lewis version of the Nutty Professor…only instead of being shoved in beakers of chemicals, they get Garbage Canned."

Rook gave out a sigh.

"Seriously, it's because they're not light enough to actually get stuffed and rolled into the alley like in Hey Arnold, but back to the plot…or lack there-of…"

Cue movie.

"Apparently, Kristy had mentioned that they had a suitcase full of money, and considering that they don't remember a thing, they had no idea WHERE they got it. However, as we can see, the first of which the dream had shown us was…a logo for the nearby Strip Club, in which they happen to be VIP Members of."

Rook was slightly drooling.

"If anything, had I been stoned out of my wits, that would have been the FIRST THING I would have done."

"_LIAR!" Deadpool yelled._

Back to the movie.

"Apparently, this is where ANOTHER Plot Point shows up in the Form of Tanya…and before I get into Character Description, apparently, Jesse thinks he's getting the VIP Treatment…only for her to Drop a Bridget on Him."

Cue Bridget cutaway where he reveals he's a guy…in the nun outfit.

"PUT THAT CLIP AWAY!!!" Rook yelled. "JESUS CHRIST, VAMPIRE HUNTER!!!"

Back to the movie.

"And now we know where we got that suitcase from. Apparently, they stole it while they were stoned out of their wits, and in fear of losing his ability to procreate (as any normal guy would), he runs out with Chester getting a public dance treatment and they plan their next move. However, the last thing they remember was being at their girlfriends' house and…"

Cue mess scene.

"DAMN!!! That is one trashed house," he yelled. "Back to the story, ignoring the guy that had the epic p*ssing match, they managed to give the chocolates to their girlfriends forgetting that they actually LIKED Dark Chocolate."

Back to Rook.

"Okay, how can they fudge up something like that?"

"_YOU DIDN'T ASK," Gary/Gamma said._

"Thank you, you stinking liar."

Back to the movie.

"As they try to make good by taking the trash out in an idiotic move that would probably make my antics look good, they get thrown out of their house for trashing the interior AGAIN…and then get kidnapped by a bunch of Space Geeks whose names start with Z and…uh, Jeff."

Rook's deadpan look can be seen.

"Real imaginative…"

Back to the movie.

"And apparently these geeks throw in ANOTHER plot point in the movie involving the Continuum Transfunctioner."

Back to Rook.

"If anything, the Continuum Transfunctioner is a mysterious and powerful device, and oddly enough, its mystery is only exceeded by its power." Confused look. "I don't get it either, but this movie has an odd way of explaining its plot points while adding hype to it, like Shere Khan in the Jungle Book."

"_KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" Kirk yelled._

"NOT THE TIME!!!" Rook yelled.

Back to the movie.

"After being dropped off with a tailor that would probably put Ling-Ling through Seppuku, they managed to get extra threads that give them the 'Red Oni, Blue Oni' look. After finding stuff in the hidden pockets which include Cell Phones, a lease for a new car, and a Rubix Cube…"

(Open your eyes for the Plot Device…)

"…they then find themselves driving a new car."

Back to Rook.

"At this point, you're probably thinking, 'Why the heck is this movie still going on?'" He then smirked. "Well, if you haven't caught on by now, the real reason for their journey isn't to find the Car. It's to get LAID." He then sighed. "I know it's not a good reason, but if anything, that's their main focus. Now, ignoring the scene with Fabio that would probably be ANOTHER Big-Lipped Alligator Moment…"

"**BIG-LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT!"**

"…and this little instance…"

"**THE AMBIGUOUSLY GAY DUO!!!**"

"…we find them outside an ice-cream parlor where they meet…five extremely hot chicks who happen to be looking for the Continuum Transfunctioner…"

Rook was slightly bug-eyed.

"There is NO way that I can be swayed with that. Back before I met her, I would have to PAY to get a girl to actually do that…and she's DEEP-THROATING THE POPSICLE!!! That's an actual skill, by the way, so I'm NOT sh*tting you."

Back to the movie.

"After THAT little encounter, they then end up in the brig where…it turns into Monty Python really fast with a small bit of déjà vu to the instance with Kristy Swanson." Small look of deadpan disbelief. "Unfortunately, they STILL don't remember a thing, but are saved by a random instance where they ACTUALLY BOUGHT DONUTS for the guys during the time."

Rook was groaning.

"That kind of mistake would make Randy from MONK look competent!"

Back to the movie.

"And the same eyewitness happens to be wearing the wrong type of glasses, and instead of returning the car and ending the movie quickly…it ended up in the impound."

Next scene.

"Oh, and you know those five women they met earlier? They ask the Pizza Guy, the Punks, AND through the power of coincidence…their GIRLFRIENDS who are attending a camp for the blind."

Rook sighed.

"If anything, I'm surprised they're not phased by this. Then again, they're looking for an artefact of DESTRUCTION here, so…it's probably a learning experience."

Back to the movie.

"After getting out of the police station, apparently the Punks had called them (lord knows HOW they got the cell phone number) and they took Nelson and Jackal hostage. During the rant, however, they encounter the two Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonators that CLAIM to be the keepers of the Continuum Transfunctioner."

Back to Rook.

"You'd THINK someone up there would actually get the message on how they dress up in real life, but NOOOOOOOOOOOOO…"

Within the movie…

"Apparently, they've had enough and get back home when their Girlfriends had decided to break up with them IN PERSON. With that mentioned, they get new resolve because Ashton had to take a poo."

Back to Rook.

"And this is the CONDENSED version of that explanation. Notice Gene's not in this part."

Next scene.

"While they get to the impound, they found out that the Nearsighted/Farsighted/Blind with Glasses guy had not only IMPOUNDED the thing, but put it up for auction and was sold that day. In a fit of epic stupidity, they try to get the information WITHOUT her noticing…and apparently, she decided to give them the address anyways."

With Rook.

"And I'm starting to wonder if Nicole Sullivan would have used that role to practice her Shego…"

Back to the movie…

"After distracting the two guys with the small mention of them being…"

"**THE AMBIGUOUSLY GAY DUO!**"

"…they then end up unconscious in the middle of someone's shed. Apparently, they're on Zoltan's (two thumbs lining up) property…only to find out he lives in a barn."

With Rook…

"And this is basically where Fringe Logic sets in."

"_A barn?"_

"_Is it red?" Jesse asked Chester._

"_No…"_

"_Then it's not a barn."_

Rook groaned.

"The paint's worn off, okay? Simple as that."

With the movie…

"After trying to explain to Chester on how to knock them out and getting into those bubble-wrap suits to avoid suspicion…there's a meeting involved where we meet Zoltan, who's played by Hal Sparks, and we found out they've been discovered."

!

"And we also found out that they kidnapped Wilma and Wanda (unclear on whose girlfriend is which) and they have to get the Continuum Transfunctioner in order to get them back. Difference between them and the Punks is that they actually keep their promises."

With Rook…

"They probably made them watch Star Trek Reruns…Kirk Era, not Picard."

Back to the movie…

"And apparently, this is where ANOTHER aspect of the Dream comes in…although you have to love the cartoon gags that emphasize the words 'Keep Out.'"

With Rook…

"I might need to get one for myself, especially the one that says 'Trespassers will be Castrated' then explains those for the uneducated 'Balls…Cut…Off.'"

Back to the plot…

"We found out WHY the signs were there, too…the guy has OSTRICHES for pets. Not Flamingos, not Pigeons, OSTRICHES. After mistaking them for Llamas on Ashton's part, they hide in an old car, which I'd like to point out is NOT theirs, and get knocked out by an Ostrich."

Back to Rook…

"And the sad part is, someone actually DID research on the part where they put their heads in the sand…"

Back to the plot…

"When they woke up, they find out that there was a guy in the cage named Mark that is definitely gay. No, seriously. After almost being raped by the guy, the fusion between Data and Benzaie comes in, who I'd like to point out that Data was played by Brent Spiner, and gives them a horrid explanation on what happens to Ostrich Poachers."

Rook shivered.

"And the thing is, I am NOT explaining what happens to said Poachers, but if anything, Brain Bleach is needed. Even on my end."

To the movie…

"Luckily, the 'Get Out of Jail Free' card involves them asking a simple Ostrich Trivia question, which Sean, being an avid Animal Planet watcher, gets correctly. After that, they ask about the car, which…seemingly disappeared during their time there."

Rook sighed.

"So close…and yet so far. It's almost over, though, so don't worry…"

Back to the movie…

"Luckily, ANOTHER part of the dream is established, which is the Spaceman part of the Logo for some Arcade/Putt Putt festivity. And the part where Jesse and Chester are well known is basically relevant later on, as is the rest of the movie. However, the Transexual from Out of Nowhere shows up with a Boyfriend that's actually a girl."

Rook blinks.

"And if anything, the music isn't playing because it's rather unclear whether or not they're Gay, Straight, or Bi."

Back to the movie…

"However, one plot's fulfilled: The suitcase was in the locker. And apparently, there's stuff in there, but the only ones worth mentioning happen to be the crazy straw and the bag of tickets, although it's impressive that they know Japanese in a short amount of time. Unfortunately, there's still SOME plots that need to be filled, but there's one flaw that Ashton had pointed out."

"_Remember what they said about the Continuum Transfunctioner?" Jesse asked Chester._

"_That it's a mysterious and powerful device?" he replied._

"_And…"_

"_And it's mystery is only exceeded by its power."_

"_Right, but no one said what it looks like."_

"Taking advantage of that factor, they use the bag of tickets to get a flashlight bulb thing and call both Zoltan and the Punks, who arrive in said order. First the Space Geeks arrive while trading the girlfriends, then the Punks arrive with Nelson and Jackal in which they stole the toy from the Geeks and hand them off to the girls…"

With Rook…

"But the Nordic Dudes pointed out something: It WASN'T the Continuum Transfunctioner. Then again, had Ashton not told them off, they'd explain what it would look like, but the lampshade's been hanging for quite some time. However, it turns out to be the absolute FINAL part of the Dream: The sphere with the five lights."

Back to the movie…

"However, things get really ugly really fast with everyone nitpicking at them and an argument between the Two Nordic Dudes and the five Space Chicks. However, because Ashton's sick and tired of them being the fall guys, he uses some far off question that is made relevant in the writers' Batman Gambit that's been going on throughout the whole movie."

"_What score did we get on the Eighteenth Hole on the Putt-Putt tournament?"_

Rook was a little amazed.

"It'll make sense later, but the two Nordic Guys had managed to get it right."

"_You got a Hole-in-One."_

"Why did they get it right? Well, despite not remembering a thing, the factor that stood out the most was the prize that was given out: The Pudding."

Back to the movie…

"Upset that they didn't get to destroy the universe, the five chicks had morphed into one Super Hot Giant Alien…and then swallows the main punk while Jesse and Chester had admired the assets on the chest."

Rook was drooling…again.

"Oh, sorry. Where was I?"

Back to the movie…

"After one short but brief chase scene, apparently the Geeks had told them to use the Proton Accelerator Annihilation Beam, and the Pizza Boss had said the same thing only with the Emphasis. However, this is where the crazy straw comes in: Because their fingers are too big, they had to use it to activate the device, thus saving the day."

Rook sighed.

"And to summarize it up, the ending consists of a memory-wipe, déjà vu, finding out that their car's a yellow compact with a green door, their Special Treats being the Red Oni Blue Oni Berets…also noticing that the Space Aliens had managed to sneak in a little something 'extra,' they go off while not remembering what happened during the time."

He then nodded.

"And that's 'Dude, Where's My Car?'. Basically a build-up of suspense, comedy, stereotypes, and enough weirdness that can fill in ANYONE'S night. Also one of my favorite movies, but that's where I got the idea of the show's name. I'm known as Rook, and I take Refuge in Audacity. See ya next time…"

He then walks out.

"Oh, and how the HECK did I get this Rubik Cube in the mail? I'm no good with this…"


	2. White Castle

We're now back to the basement area, only a small globe-like thing can be seen…with several soda bottles, fast food, and trash cans…

"Hello, and welcome to Refuge in Audacity, where Bad Media goes down the toilet," Rook replied. "You're probably wondering two things: One, how the HELL did I order so much fast food and not get fat, and what's the sphere-like thing? Well, the latter tied into the first review, but the first leads me into this review."

He then got the freezer out.

"This is White Castle food, by the way, and the movie I'm reviewing is from the SAME DIRECTOR of 'Dude, Where's My Car?'. It's called Harold and Kumar…go to White Castle."

Sure enough, screenshots were shown.

"The movie's description is easier than it shows, however, as it involves hot latin chicks, businessmen, a nerdy Asian woman, a cameo from Bobby Lee and the REAL Harold Lee (oddly enough), a freakshow with a hot wife, Doogie Howser…or Neil Patrick Harris…"

He then shrugged.

"It's basically something that says 'That much trouble for a bunch of burgers' in one condensed package, and if anything, this is where it begins."

Cue the movie.

"It starts off at the office point where we meet…two guys who AREN'T Harold and Kumar. If anything, it basically shows a fake-out as soon as we get to the plot. As it turns out, John Cho, playing Harold, got shoved with the work of his SUPERIORS while they go out and party."

(**Wa wa wa waaaaaaaaaa….**)

Cue Rook.

"If it were me, I'd probably be pissed," he said. "Seriously, when I would find out, I'd be a brown noser…"

Back to the movie…

"We then cue to some sort of University where Taj Bandala…er, Kumar Patel, is applying for Med School when his cell phone is basically ringing."

Back to Rook.

"Yeah, if it were me," Rook said, "I'd probably get one that sounds somewhat like a theme song to a Japanese Anime or Tokusatsu program, but if anything, I didn't think they made one for stoners…"

Back to the movie…

"Well, as it turns out, his mannerisms are different from his scores when this one-liner is basically given:"

"_Yeah, just because you're hung like a moose doesn't mean you gotta do…_"

"I'm cutting it short because there might be kids watching," Rook said, "but yeah, to summarize it, he managed to shoot his opportunity down. Big time. Talk about betrayal of genre…or what is that trope called again?"

Back to the movie…

"Apparently, we go back to Harold, where we get a glimpse of his daily life: Harassed by the skater punks in the truck and constantly imagining his conversation with Maria, the chick from across the hall, when although she would like to meet him, he's too much of a wimp to actually do so."

Back to Rook…

"Yeah, don't ask," he said. "I'm imagining some guy with a chicken mask showing up and buzzing in, but he's not a plumber and she's not harassed by her boss, so…"

(**JOKE ABORTED!!!**)

"And as it turns out, they're ROOMMATES. Good God, it's like the Odd Couple, only Interracial, and that's not a bad thing, either. Harold's the Straight Man and Kumar's the Guy Everyone Likes."

"So as it turns out, Harold managed to hollow out a basic textbook sometime ago and stuff his stash of weed in there."

With Rook…

"Must have been a Lupus Textbook."

"_It's not Lupus," House replied._

"Strangely enough, I'm referencing John Cho's Guest-Star Role and Kal Penn's Supporting Role in House at once. Weird."

Back to the movie…

"So, after being high out of their butts and watching Sixteen Candles, which I have never seen before in my life by the way, guess what happens that drives the plot."

With Rook…

"We've got A) some twist of fate; B) a hilarious prank by the punks; or C) a TV Commercial."

After a few seconds…

"If you chose C, you're right."

Back to the movie…

"So we start out with going to their neighbors, who have a topless Virgin Mary on their outer door, and as it turns out…they're Jewish and watching Katie Holmes on the Exorcist…mostly trying to watch her topless, the other part is getting high out of their butts as well."

With Rook…

"And if anything, this leads to their OWN subplot that would make its OWN movie, but we're focusing on the Korean and Indian guy."

Back to the movie…

"After revisiting Maria and meeting up with the skater punks who make a joke about…"

"**THE AMBIGUOUSLY GAY DUO!!!**"

"…we then managed to get out through the night, even though it was sunny a few seconds ago…or was it sunset? I don't know, most of the fast food was from a video game drainage earlier. Back to the movie, we get a hilarious toll booth incident that would consider itself…a Big-Lipped Alligator Moment."

"**BIG-LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT!!!**"

"Seriously, we do NOT see the fat bah-stard again."

"_Now that really hurts my feelings," Fat Bastard replied. "I've tried to go clean, but it's hard to fit in that a society that demands perfection."_

Rook was groaning.

"Not what I was referring to…"

Back to the movie…

"After getting out of NEWARK, of all places, they then end up in New Brunswick where they find that the White Castle they were looking for…is replaced with a Burger Shack…with Anthony Anderson as the Drive-Thru guy."

With Rook…

"What? Did you think it would be over already? We've only just begun!"

Back to the movie…

"Seriously, as it turns out, the guy had CRAVED White Castle and wanted to burn the place down just thinking about them…and decided to tell them to resist temptation until they get there…then tells them about the ingredient that made customers recoil in disgust."

"_I'll give you a hint," the Drive-Thru guy said. "It's semen."_

That made Rook go bug-eyed…until he laughed. Then it got worse.

"_Animal semen."_

"OH MY GOD!!!" Rook yelled. "Bump the rating UP!!!" He then groaned. "Moving on…"

Back to the movie…

"After going around, they then found themselves in Princeton, where Harold says he's got a stalker named Cindy Kim that's obsessed with her Asian-American club. After saying that he's not going to see her because Kumar's after a possible stash in there, he talked him into it. Sad part is, after spending the only money he had, he met up with twins that were carrying a bag of tacos to their dorm room."

With Rook…

"Dude, if anything, I'd go out with them…if it wasn't for the little factor that's going to be shown later."

Back to the movie…

"The Harold Lee cameo was TOTALLY unintentional, but I don't know for sure. If anything, after getting chased by a security guard that just did Improv and is funny as hell when doing so, they end up…in the Women's Bathroom."

With Rook…

"Yeah, living proof that their bathroom isn't as different from ours. However, this leads into the reason WHY I didn't want to risk it."

Back to the movie…

"The twins from one scene earlier show up…and apparently, while going in the stalls NEXT to the ones they're hiding in…they have a subsequent bout of diarrhea."

With Rook…

"You cannot make this up," he said, with a deadpan look. "You have no idea how hard they TRIED to make this believable without going for taco farts…and the looks they produce make it SO much funnier, especially when they play a game of Battleshit, which is Battleship with crap."

Back to the movie…

"As it turns out, the Asian-American club Cindy Kim wanted to invite Harold in was basically more lively than they thought. Then…they ran out of Princeton, and if anything, the House Jokes I missed are probably STAGGERING, but the security guard had managed to catch the hippie guy that ripped Kumar off."

With Rook…

"Business hippie my ASS!!!" he yelled.

Back to the movie…

"However, after a small BLAM moment with some guy in a business suit, if anything, Harold and a Raccoon managed to duke it out with a possible fear of rabies. With that, they end up in a hospital."

With Rook…

"And we get to know that Kumar's Dad is the Chief of Medicine."

(Picture of Bob Kelso shows up.)

"No, not that one, and don't bring up, Cuddy, PLEASE!!!"

Back to the movie…

"And this is where this confuses me. Is that the brother or just the Wilson character. If anything, after one talk, he basically sneaks off with his Dad's ID Card. And guess who they run into on their way to the medical supply chamber? That's right, Van Wilder makes a cameo appearance, and guess what got House's interest? He was able to do hands-on surgery."

With Rook…

"I wonder what would happen if they had Hugh Laurie involved with this movie…" he muttered.

Back to the movie…

"After getting directions from the surgical patient to where the White Castle on Cherry Hill street is, we then find out that Harold had finished his work and Maria and he had one thing in common: They were John Hughes fans. However, to spoil the moment, as Kumar was trying to invite her over, Harold had managed to put the accelerator on and they go down a hill off the road where the tires are flattened. So if anything, we enter something out of a horror movie when we meet Freakshow."

With Rook…

He was speechless.

Back to the movie…

"After a car ride out of intense fear and disgust, they then were invited to enter his house and if anything, much to Kumar's delight, he said they could screw his wife. However, the fear on Harold's face is GENUINE considered that he was never told about the dogs, which makes it that much funnier."

With Rook…

"And if it didn't step into Big-Lipped Alligator Territory enough, look no further. It gets stranger when it turns out the trailer is nice and tidy…and Freakshow is a Jesus Freak. Oh, and Freakshow's Wife is basically SMOKIN HOT!!!"

"_We have officially entered the Twilight Zone," Kumar replied._

"Out of Sight, out of Sound, out of Mind," he said. "You have entered…Big-Lipped Alligator Territory."

"**BIG-LIPPED ALLIGATOR TERRITORY!!!**"

Back to the movie…

"I had to skip this part considering we see Freakshow's butt, but if anything, they never talk about this again, and I already did the joke. However, ANOTHER cameo appearance shows up, and I'll let the movie speak for itself."

"_Dude, you're…Neil Patrick Harris!!!" Kumar yelled, almost fan-gasming. Especially when Neil confirmed it._

"Sad part is, he's not playing his real self, who is ambiguously gay. Other than that, they end up at a gas station and leave him IN the car…and they needed directions, but they run into the Skater Punks that like to harass the store-owners."

With Rook…

He then sighed. "And this is Dante Hicks's worst nightmare AT work," he said. "Trust me, I need an Indian-English Dictionary for the phrase 'I'm not even supposed to be here today,' but the amount of Clerks jokes I can make is very limited."

Back to the movie…

"After a failed attempt to drive them off…the car drove off, leaving them to ask the stupid question."

"_Did…Doogie Howser just steal my fucking car?" Harold asked him, in disbelief._

_After a slight pause…_

"_Yes, I think he did," Kumar replied._

"My answer would have been, 'No, he's just borrowing it because he's tripping balls and also wouldn't show ya what he did earlier,'" Rook muttered, "but it's too obvious. Oh, and if anything, here's your sign."

Back to the movie…

"If anything, after a small argument on whose fault it was, apparently, the POLICE…or I SHOULD say Racist Cop Number One, gives Harold a 220-Dollar ticket for jaywalking, and as it turns out, Kumar had called him off…and Harold got SO PISSED OFF that he punched the guy in the face. Yeah, smart move. And to prove that the cop was racist, a black guy was sitting in jail because someone said that a black guy was stealing television sets in Newark, but that's the guy who wasn't IN Newark."

With Rook…

"These are the guys that make the cops from RENO 911 seem competent, too," he said. "But this is where the driving point of the whole movie comes in."

"_Look at me," the African-American Priest said. "I'm fat, black, can't dance, and I have two gay fathers."_

_Harold gave him an odd look._

"_People have been messing with me my whole life. Now, I've learned a long time ago that you can't be angry when a bunch of idiots give you a hard time. In the end, the universe tends to unfold as it should."_

(Cutaway…)

"_They're riding the Karma Train now," Jason Lee as Earl replied._

(End Cutaway…)

Rook nodded.

"Well, if anything, a lot of people learn their best lessons in prison, but this is where the strange part ensues…and I'm not talking about the break-out scene with them focusing on the Black Guy OR the Fantasy Romance Sequence with Kumar and a Bag of Weed, either. It's the aftermath."

Back to the movie…

"After breaking Harold OUT of prison, they managed to catch their breath…and run into an escaped Cheetah."

With Rook…

"And this may seem like it came out of nowhere, but if anything, it was mentioned in the news story in the beginning of the movie, too."

Back to the movie…

"Luckily, this is where the Beef Jerky steps in and they get it stoned. I am not kidding, after getting it stoned, they then RIDE the cheetah and Harold managed to get into a cut dream sequence."

With Rook…

"That's right," he said. "What seemed to be a short dream sequence was supposed to be longer, and if anything, that's where the Cast Reunion shows up. However, it was cut short and now, Harold wakes up with Kumar licking his face…and two things are realized: One, which is worse, they're basically AWAY from Cherry Hill; and Two, Harold's Laptop is completely destroyed."

Back to the movie…

"After an AGONIZING walk to Hot Dog Heaven, they see the Skater Punks, but pause to see that the Jewish Duo are in Euphoria…which Harold wanted to be in. However, the moment of bravado is interrupted by the Skater Punks…and while remembering the Black Man's words…had managed to steal their truck."

With Rook…

"HECK YEAH!!!" he yelled. "Thank you, Karma!!!"

Back to the movie…

"However, it's not over as they got chased by a cop who was after the Skater Punks and was DOING HIS JOB CORRECTLY…however, when both Harold and Kumar escaped, they end up in the edge of a cliff and managed to find a glider, which prompts Kumar to give out a speech that involves oppressed people (probably a reference to the East-India Trading Company's source material) and managed to talk Harold into using said glider."

With Rook…

"Yeah, if anything, notice that the sun's up when it's supposed to be night, but your attention is drawn to the crop circles made like a male's genitals."

"_Giggity," Quagmire said._

"However, they crash-land, MAKE IT to White Castle…and when they realize they're out of money…Neil Patrick Harris repays them in spades. And the problems get resolved: Harold shoved the work back to his superiors after threatening to show they were using HIM as a workhorse; Harold managed to communicate with Maria after getting back; and in the credits, the Cops AND the Skater Punks go to prison."

Rook nodded.

"However, the movie ends with a foreboding to the sequel, which turned out to be a fake-out that sets them in Guantanamo Bay, but I haven't seen the sequel so I'm not exactly as brushed up as I thought I was."

He then sighed.

"My name's Rook, and I take Refuge in Audacity. If anything, if you noticed a detail I missed, review me. Now if you'll excuse me, it's Garbage Day."

(In front of Hot Dog Heaven…)

"Dude, that was SO NOT extreme!!!" the Skater Punk yelled.

Sure enough, a flaming garbage bag had landed on them.

"Neither is this, but this is KARMA!!!" Rook yelled.

"**!!!**"


End file.
